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ego

sun in hands

Reiki: Be Humble…

1024 768 Dawn Waterhouse

Sunfacing

Be humble… Humbleness is used in so many phrases – humble apologies, humbly accepting a gift, or being a humble servant, but what is it to be truly humble?

In modern society, it is generally considered that humble people are meek, have low confidence and are too easy going. In reality, this is really not so. It takes a lot of strength to be truly humble, and it is a huge gift to have this skill – but humble people do not shout about their skill as that would be proud… so to learn from a true humble, you will need to observe individuals and decide upon who to look to for yourself.

Some of the skills you are looking to observe and learn are:

  • Being able to treat others as equals, be they a cleaner or the Chairman. That does not mean being overly familiar with them, but treating them with the same humble respect.
  • It means being able to accept compliments with the same dignity and consideration as criticism, as both are equally important for personal growth and development, but it also means being able to process those comments without being egotistical – for we all have days where things go right for us (and days where things go not so right).
  • It also means being able to accept a situation, regardless of being good or bad for themselves, for the greater good of the whole. It does not mean sacrificing ones-self for others, just a point of acceptance so that a situation can move forward with positivity.
  • Being able to make decisions (no matter how tough) based on moral values, rather than ego.
  • The ability to give credit where credit is due. A humble will actually praise others and speak positively (and humbly) of others successes. This is partly why they are such good team players and leaders, as this skill helps them to motivate their staff and those around them.

reiki-hands-sun

  • To lead humbly will involve being able to delegate clearly to those working with you, and allowing them the space to do the work and potentially identify different ways to do the piece of work. The humble leader will be able to take the feedback that there are new ways of delivering the work, and also lead team members (rather than squashing them) when they are perhaps heading off on a wrong tangent.
  • The humble person just is. They are striving to act within their morals, or with respect or kindness, or to be a good but fair leader, they are not trying to be humble. As soon as you are trying to be humble, the ego steps in and the essence of your actions is lost.

My eldest daughter gave me a profound statement the other day. She said an ignorant person thinks they know everything, whereas a wise person, no matter how well-read and researched, knows they know nothing in the whole scheme of things. What a beautiful example of being humble: the wisdom of knowing you do not – and never will – know everything.

Humbleness cannot be claimed, it is an action from the very core of your being – the ability to act with your inner truth for the good of all. Next time we will explore being true about your way and your being as a principle of Reiki, until then I will let you ponder the thought of humble actions that go on around you.

 

relationship-2

When It Comes To Relationships, Are You a Parent, Adult or Child?

1024 713 Susan Carr

relationship

The theme of Mental Health Awareness Week 2016 (16-22 May) was ‘Relationships’, as it is recognised that an important factor in promoting mental wellbeing is a good support network of family, friends, neighbours and work colleagues.

However, on the flip side, those relationships can equally be a factor in poor mental health, and this is something that is commonly discussed in counselling, whether it is arguments between partners, bullying by colleagues at work or difficult relationships with parents and siblings. In fact ‘Relationship issues’ was the second most searched for term on the Counselling Directory website in March 2016.

Our everyday lives are filled with multiple relationships of differing degrees, in which we relate to each other not just verbally but also through body language and facial expressions. During the 1950s Eric Berne developed a type of therapy known as Transactional Analysis based on the idea that all our interactions are a series of ‘transactions’ in which there is a stimulus and a response. So I might ask my husband “Do you want a cup of tea?” (the stimulus), to which he replies “Yes please” (the response).

Berne identified that in every transaction, we may act in one of three ego states: the Parent, Adult or Child, but that these vary from transaction to transaction. These have a particular meaning in Transactional Analysis which is different from the way they are used in everyday language, as described below:

Parent – This ego state is based on external childhood experiences of parents and parent-like figures which tend to be recorded in the brain without any form of filtering or analysis and include such messages as:
“Don’t talk to strangers”
“Remember your manners”
“Always chew with your mouth closed”
“Look both ways before crossing the road”

Child – In contrast, this ego state is based on internal perceptions of events experienced, e.g. childhood emotions and feelings, for example:
“The nightmare was really scary”
” I feel happy when playing with my friends”
“I feel sad when I hurt myself”

Adult – This ego state is concerned with data-processing and making sense of both what has been observed (external) and felt (internal), particularly the validation of data from the Parent, for example:
” I burnt my finger. Dad was right, I shouldn’t play with matches.”

These ego states (Parent, Adult and Child) influence all our transactions (as well as our internal conversations with ourselves) and affect the response that is evoked by the other party. For example, if I act as a Parent then the response that is likely to be evoked is one from the Child ego state and vice versa. The simplest transactions are those between Adult ego states, for example:

Adult stimulus: “What time is it?”
Adult response : “It’s six o’clock”

However transactions can become ‘crossed’ when the response does not correspond to the stimulus, for example:

Adult stimulus: “What time is it?”
Child response: “Why are you always rushing me?”

The tone of voice, choice of words, body language and gestures also vary depending on the ego state we are acting from, so a soft, soothing voice may be a nurturing Parent or a wagging finger may come from a critical Parent.

Relationships are complex and there are often multiple factors that contribute to our experience of relationships, but having an understanding of our own ego states can help us to learn to adapt our responses, thereby improving our interactions and relationships. So the next time you are in a conversation have a think about what ego state you are acting from!